Accountability


Keeping my head up is my superpower.

Pushing through my issues is what I do.

Pulling myself through it what I’m good at.

Everyday is a heart check that I have to endure.

These are not problems that I’ll discuss even if you ask.

My drive to succeed is beyond my desire most days.

I love to grind & fight it out.

Being around people who don’t share my desires saddens me.

My actions and decisions up to this point have gotten me to this point.

I accept this & know in my spirit that if I want something else, I have to push it out.

I’m accountable to myself on every front. every day.

My values and outlook have brought me here but here I won’t stay.

-dreads

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look back


28

three years past what I thought I’d never see

I’m 2 from another big one.

its’s a stock year of where I am and those around me

how folks around me are marrying, having kids, going place new and being

I’m growing to if at a different pace

looking at gains and losses its reading like a report of some sort.

losing money only to gain experience but that’s life.

growing with partner even taking another (on the books)

building up relationships if only to know my baby cousins

working on social interactions if only to build up my peer group

my year in review is a one of note.

growing professionally

in my relationships

overall I’m learning to exist outside my world.

-dreads

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congratulations


See it’s been 3 months since you married

I found out from facebook, not that I expected you to share no your mother or sister but facebook.

I was told to check my facebook and I see you someones daughter married.

congratulations to you sir.

do i mail you a card or do i come in person.

what’s the rules for seeing your absentee parent wed.  is their a class for this or a book to read?

i’m more confused than usual on how to proceed.

i’ll wish you well and not ask or worry about these future half sibling i’m sure will exist soon enough

it’s been 3 months and i’m sure you’re both full of marital bliss.

congratulations mr.cook to you & your new bride.

  • dreads
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obsessing


sitting here thinking of your juices on my chin

trying to figure how to send this sext snap at 9am

while my co workers sit a few feet away

all I can think about is your feet planted on my back

your legs holding my head tight

and licking you with all my might.

I’m obsessing over your cum not wanting to leave the bed

but stay instead, using up my sick leave and vacation days

for a vacation at my favorite place

in that loving embrace.

feeling your hands in my hair

telling me right there

the noises you make send me over the edge

long before you arrive

I’m writhing at my desk replaying each time

I can’t wait to get you back in my bed

getting you to sit still

until still is the last thing either of us are

obsessed on the smell and taste of you

those juices on my nose & chin

remind me that we’re just beginning.

lets elevate our mutual obsession with equal parts dedication.

-dreads

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Lonely but authentically myself


Over the years I’ve had to come to terms that being real can lead to me being alone.

But here is the thing about being authentic.

It means that I gotta admit to wanting you around more than a few nights a week.

Admitting that I like you & how you make me feel.

Being authentic having to acknowledge the confusion about why you like me. I know I’m dope as duck if only short term but I’m not always understanding long term.

It’s crazy to an extent that there are 2 “you’s “.

2 unique reasons to get up in the morning and looking forward to a new day.

Wishing for more time with each of you trying to share my energy & resources with both. Not trying to just have a physical thing, a emotional game to.

Investing into two is easier than I thought but maintaining is the rub. Flowing schools of thought of equality drives home the hybrid I’m in.

I’m married to myself but loyal to you two. Balancing checks & fun.

Being authentically me leads me to understand the reality of being able to say the truth & live a lie.

I’m authentic if only with you since I’m showing you me up close and in perspective.

Authentic by design

Sincere in practice

Yours by desire

-dreads

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Fire


It knows me, my intentions & what I can do.

Fires a tool just like me an extension of will.

With fire I can create, destroy or protect.

I’m a cook & I grill on a smoker of my choice

My fire is the pinnacle of creation allowing raw go become real. Taking soft meats & making them warm & fleshy. Hard vegetables become chewy.

I’m a creator mining my fire to build & create works of art in varying forms from print to pastel.

Taking jumbled thoughts & putting them in a order to be understood.

I’m a living breathing entity. My fire powers me. My fire has changed as I have from a spark & embers to blazing inferno just to realize I need to sustain myself on fuel & oxygen.

This fire all encompasses my being. Building the bridge across my many facets & faces.

This fire consumes me demanding more each time I ignite.

Burning on in me.

-dreads

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The best kind of abuse


You broke my heart

I’ve given as much as I’ve given myself sometimes I gave you more.

I loved you every time you hurt me

I loved you through every transgression

Every assault

I loved you even when you chose others over me.

I’ve given you my body when it was already broken & tired

I believed you when you said I was your future

You’ve strung me along taking my early years

Some of my best years

We’ve been together since I was at least 13 but I’ve been watching you longer than that

You looked so perfect in those days

When you looked my way I felt so special

What I gave you then were drops in the buckets for you.

I ran errands for you & you embraced me

My friends said you weren’t good for me but I defended you

You’ve left me with more broken memories than full complete ones

My blood has spilled in your service

Bones broken

My love has been abused

I remember almost dying for you

Putting you so high over me that each day was about you

Starving myself of everything I needed to live

From the attention I crave to the recognition to push forward

These last few years have gone from a dreamscape to a living breathing nightmare

You’ve lied to me

Stolen from me

Called me out my name

Forced yourself on me

Still I loved you

Made me want to hurt myself

I thought if I changed who I was you’d love me

The realization burns through that I’m never to get you as you’ve gotten me

It’s clear I have to leave before I turn on you as you’ve turned on me.

Each day I look at you my blood cools until you spill parts of spirit on the ground

Expecting me to let you hurt me for loving you

You’re love has taught me so much more than anything else

You’ve taught me that every reward is a angle for service

That every “I love you ” is the hollow bindings of a one sided contract

You’ve proudly powered my distrust of you

Reveling in not seeing your work on my body & soul

Not acknowledging the scars I wear & how you’ve given them to me

You’ve relieved yourself on me as if I were a lavatory

You’ve been drunk & battered me

I’ve loved you through making excuses the whole time

From the sleepless nights to the thankless days it’s been all about you

I’m losing me to you

But

I’m finding bits of ME again

Not just that I’m living & loving myself now

Now I’m looking forward away from you

I’m pulling up my roots

Packing my bags

Moving on to uncertainty

Accepting whatever awaits me will be better for me than you’ve ever been

-dreads

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